Author: Mind Cancer

Just like every other day, AE does not like to get out of bed. I know this is typical for kids, but AE really puts up a fight. The internet to his Xbox typically gets cut off at 9 p.m. and his TV off at 10 p.m. With all of the disrespect the last two days, it has been reduced to 8:15 p.m. for the Xbox and 9:15 for the TV. This is the only punishment that I can actually enforce without having AJ override it. She does not have the passwords to get into the internet controls.

Of course, CL could not keep his fingers off the keys. This morning he decided to go to the gas station, I am sure to buy a vape, and then to the Family Dollar, more than likely for diapers as he refuses to potty train his 2-year-old daughter, and then to Bush’s Chicken to spend money on fast food. Money that should be spent going to the grocery store. I am pretty sure he was not there for an interview. Of course I bring this up to AJ and what does she do?  She is dismissive of it and says she will talk with CL about it.  I know where this is going to go as if CL is opening his mouth, he is lying.

AJ and I went to a local wine bar in town this evening. It was a nice, quiet place to just relax. We ended up playing cards with the owner and talking about how we might start going there on Wednesdays, since we are always looking for places to go together. I mentioned to AJ that it would even be a good spot to record the podcast if it ever gets to that point.

I have been thinking about taking the RV out this weekend just to get away again. The only catch is that I would have to take AE with me, since AJ is planning to babysit CL’s little ones. So I am still up in the air about it. If I do go, though, it would give me some space and time to work on my book.

Lately, I have been circling back to the same thought: the stories I am writing are not really about mysteries. Sure, there are missing deeds, stolen heirlooms, council fraud, even a sabotaged festival. Those puzzles keep the pages turning, but they are not the heart of it. What it is really about is how people live with loss. How they carry it without letting it bury them. How, sometimes, almost reluctantly, they open the door to love again.

The characters at the center are both widowed, both convinced their best days are behind them. They do not fall into each other’s arms easily. Instead, they circle, retreat, misstep, and try again, all while uncovering the secrets and schemes that ripple through a small town trying to survive change.

And the town itself feels like a character. Porch lights, festivals, church suppers, whispered gossip at the diner. It is all part of a place that remembers your name, even when you have almost forgotten who you are.

The mysteries always resolve. But the deeper truth, the one that keeps me writing, is this: grief does not end. It changes shape. And sometimes it clears just enough space for something new to grow.

 

Today started off as a good day, until it wasn’t. I worked from home like normal, nothing out of the ordinary, until I started getting alerts from the GPS tracker on the car that CL drives. He knows about the tracker and agreed to it when we set up the arrangement. It’s there so I can protect my asset, because $8,700 is no small amount to risk.

What did I find? He was driving to KFC for lunch and chauffeuring his friends around town. This is in clear violation of our agreement that the car is only to be used for groceries, job interviews, and emergencies. When I brought it up to AJ, she kind of brushed it off. That didn’t sit well with me at all. She doesn’t say it out loud, but I don’t think she cares if I’m upset about this. She lets both CL and AW walk all over her, and it feels like she doesn’t want to hold them accountable. Well, I do. If this behavior with CL continues, I’ll take the car back and sell it. I know I won’t get the full $8,700, but I’ll get something, and at least I’ll know the lesson is clear.

Later, AE got home from school and immediately started pushing buttons. He flat-out refused to do his simple chores, picking up his room and taking a shower. It amazes me how much he resists being clean, as if even the basics are too much to ask.

Things escalated once AJ got home from work. AE was already being rambunctious, and when asked to settle down, he didn’t. Instead of correcting him, she tried to redirect the energy and invited him to help cook dinner. That’s something I really struggle with because I won’t eat food he’s touched, he’s constantly putting his fingers in his nose or mouth. Thankfully, he declined, but he still made a mess in the kitchen with other things. And, as usual, she allowed it. Which meant later, I was the one left to clean it up.

A few hours later, nothing had changed. He was still wild, and she did nothing about it. He continued to refuse a shower but eventually decided he wanted a bath. Normally that wouldn’t be an issue, but this 11-year-old manages to flood the bathroom every time, and if I don’t clean it up, the water just sits there. Once again, I was the one stuck with it.

Then, right before bed, AJ put the dog in AE’s room. She knows the dog has a habit of using the floor as a bathroom, and I’ve made it clear I don’t want the dog in there at night. It will ruin the carpet. This is my home, I pay for it. AJ doesn’t cover anything in the household except food. Yet another rule broken because she gives in to what AE wants.

All of this has me thinking seriously about a prenuptial agreement before we get married. It’s not something I want to do, but days like this make me realize how important it might be.

Once we landed in DFW, we made a stop in Waco to pick up AE, her youngest. While we were there, we also sat down with CL to have an honest talk about responsibility and the car. I told him he has until September 14th to get a job and show proof of it. For now, he can drive the car, but only under certain conditions: he has to work toward paying his own insurance and start making payments, and he’s only allowed to use the car for the grocery store, job interviews, and emergencies.

If he can’t follow through by the 14th, I’ll have to take the car back. It wasn’t a conversation I enjoyed having, but I know it was necessary. If he’s ever going to learn to take responsibility, the boundaries have to be clear, and the follow-through has to be real.

We rented a car and made a stop at the Area 51 gift shop on our way out to Death Valley National Park. In the small village of Furnace Creek, the temperature hit a blistering 109 degrees. We had hoped to explore more, but it was simply too hot and we were completely unprepared for the conditions. Instead, we turned back toward Las Vegas. Along the way, we stopped at Charleston Peak Winery in Pahrump, NV. We did a wine tasting, though none of the wines really stood out to us. What made the experience unique, however, was that they served meatballs alongside the tasting, something I’ve never seen anywhere else.

Once back in Las Vegas, we picked up our marriage certificate from the Clark County Office. The entire process only took about 15 minutes, and the certificate is valid for one year. From there, we visited The Little White Chapel to check it out ahead of our October wedding. We both thought it was charming and decided that’s exactly where we’ll be getting married.

Afterward, we returned the rental car, grabbed a taxi back to the Luxor, and later walked down to New York-New York for dinner, closing out another memorable day together.

We flew out to Las Vegas on Frontier Airlines, and the flight went off without a hitch, even though Frontier is a budget airline. We landed around 10 a.m. and headed straight to the Luxor to see if we could check in early. Thankfully, it wasn’t a problem, they were able to get us into a room right away, though they switched us from a king to a double queen.

That afternoon, we went to see the Blue Man Group and picked up painting number three for our wall, we’re working toward a set of four. Later that evening, we met up with friends for dinner and drinks, a perfect way to end our first day in the city.

I picked up a car for CL, her oldest and drew up a written agreement to make sure he takes responsibility, since the title is in my name. The agreement sets out that he’ll pay back the $8,750 over two years at $350 per month. To be honest, I don’t fully trust him when it comes to money, he has a history of saying he has a job when he really doesn’t, and that makes me cautious. Helping him get this car is a chance for him to step up, but I know it will take more than words this time. He’ll have to prove through his actions that he’s willing to follow through.

While we were in Las Vegas, we left the youngest with the oldest. He’s done this before, so it wasn’t anything new, but it’s still reassuring to know he can handle that responsibility.

I am truly sorry for the last few days. I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe it was built-up emotions that I kept pushing aside, or maybe it was something deeper. But you know what, I’m not going to try to justify it. The truth is, there is no excuse for the way I’ve acted these past couple of days.

What I do want you to know is how thankful I am for you, for your patience, for your heart, and for the way you love me even when I get messy. Your love is something I never take for granted, and I don’t ever want you to doubt how much it means to me.

I love you deeply, and I am so grateful that even in my flaws, I still have you by my side.

Now that I’ve had some time to calm down, I can finally organize my thoughts. I want you to know that I’m more than willing to discuss what’s in this letter, because it’s important for me to hear from you too, not just for you to read my words in silence.

Yesterday was a rough day. I understand that Aaric had a bad day at school. I understand that he felt overwhelmed by the single load of laundry he was asked to put away when he got home as part of his chores. I even tried your approach, telling him to work on it for five minutes, then come out for a snack, and then go back and try again. But he was completely unwilling. He told me he didn’t want to, threw a fit, and refused to even try. I asked him again, and the same thing happened.

At that point, I laid out a consequence for his actions, the ones you even agreed to. But because I know you will likely overturn it, I went ahead and removed it myself. As a matter of fact, I’ve taken off all restrictions from his Xbox and TV. There are no longer any limits set by me, and I won’t be putting them back on.

The truth is, it feels like no matter what I do with or for him, he treats me like shit. And when I try, I often feel ridiculed by you for how I handle things with him. That’s why, for now, I feel I need to take a step back. Until the right time, I’m going to take on more of a babysitter role than a dad role. I won’t give punishments or tasks. The corrections will be light if at all, and I will just tell you about them. This way you can decide what actions if any are needed. When we’re all together, I’ll leave everything related to him to you, because he doesn’t listen to me and I refuse to keep arguing. If he becomes too much, I will move out of his area. I think this may be the only way for us to have peace in our home for the time being. Deep down, I believe that one day I will be able to step back into the dad role and truly be that for him. For now, I just ask that we keep the rules we’ve had in this house for the past three years as we work though this season.

I also need to tell you something that upset me yesterday. When you came closer to the couch from the kitchen and said that he was allowed to have a snack after school, it stung. I already knew this, I never denied him anything, but the way you approached it made me feel dismissed. It left me feeling subhuman, like my role didn’t matter. Just like Vickie used to do with Stephanie. I know that wasn’t your intention, but it’s how it made me feel, and I thought it was important to share that. That’s why I went for a drive. When I’m upset, I’d rather clear my head than risk saying something cruel in the heat of the moment.

I know words don’t hold much weight for you, because they’re not your love language. But they mean something to me, that’s probably why I turn to writing so often. It’s why I started leaving you these letters and writing on the mirror. The mirror was erased as I really did not think you cared. Since May, when my heart was ripped out, tossed in a blender, and thrown back in my face, I’ve built some strong walls. I’m trying like hell to tear them down, and please be patient as this will take time. All I want is to make you my wife in October and build a beautiful life with you. I still choose you, I chose you in May, I choose you today, and I will choose you every day, because you are the love of my life.

I’m still searching for what was or still is missing in the way I love you, because I know there must has to be something, and I don’t think you will convince me otherwise. I’m trying to figure out how to love you the way you want and need to be loved, because what we have together is messy but beautiful. My only doubts are whether I’m loving you enough, or whether I’m showing it in the way you truly need, and that fear eats at me. Maybe I need to remember what your love language is and love you by that.

These trips we’ve been taking remind me of our early days, when all I knew was how to love you, before any pain entered our relationship. I know relationships aren’t easy. They’re not 50/50, some days they are 80/20. They take work. But what matters most is that we choose each other every day. I choose you every day. I love you every day. And I always will.

I don’t mean to dump all of this on you. I know you’ve been going through a lot lately, and I want you to know that I see you and I’m here for you. This time of year, especially with Eugene’s passing, and I want you to know that I remember and I’m here for you. I will always walk hard and good times next to you. Not in front or behind, because that is not where a husband walks with his wife. He walks next to her, hand in hand, in the pain, sorrow and joys of life.

I can also see that Kevin’s silence has weighed on you, and while I’m not upset about it myself, I do hate the hurt it’s caused you. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season, and maybe his season has simply passed. That doesn’t take away from the fact that you deserve so much better than someone who walks away without a word. What matters most is that the people who are truly meant to stay are the ones who show up, who communicate, and who choose to be present. I want you to know that I will always be one of those people for you. I’m not just here for a season, I’m here for all of it, for the rest of our lives.

No matter the struggles we face or the storms that come our way, I will always choose you. You are my love, my home, and my future. I can’t wait to stand with you in October as your husband and spend the rest of my life building something beautiful with you by my side.

We went back to Camp Fimfo Waco for another camping trip. For the most part, it was a good time.

CL came along and brought the woman he has been seeing, along with her two little ones. It made for a lively weekend with a lot of people around.

Of course, AE was being himself and spent much of the time trying to dictate what everyone should be doing. Even with that, we were still able to enjoy the trip and spend some time together.