Author: Mind Cancer

It’s been a while since I’ve written you one of these, and honestly, I’ve missed it. So much has happened over the past few weeks, and I feel like life’s been moving at full speed. We actually made it through another No Destination Vacation, and I think this one might be my favorite so far.

That moment, just sitting in the river with you, not saying anything, that was everything. No distractions, no rush, just you and me. It’s those moments with you that stick with me the most.

I’m glad we crossed Wind Cave off the list, even if it wasn’t all that exciting. I don’t think I’d ever go back.

Glacier was a completely different story. That time-lapse you got. It’s amazing. I know I’ll keep going back to that video, being in the right place, at the right time, with the right person. I’ll remember that view, and how it felt to be standing there next to you, for the rest of my life.

Yellowstone. I’m still trying to figure out the hype. I know there has to be more to it, I think we just didn’t give it enough time. Maybe next time we go back, we can slow down and explore a little deeper. And Old Faithful, it was cool to see, but I think I expected more from it.

And then there was Grand Teton. I don’t even have the right words for that place. The reflection in the lake, that hike to the falls? Every mile we spent in the car was worth it for that moment. Being up there with you made me feel so grounded and alive at the same time.

Back home, I’ve been noticing all the ways you’re turning this house into a real home. When you first moved in, it felt cold and empty. But you’re bringing so much warmth and life into it, and I love watching it all come together. You’re making it ours, and I appreciate that more than I can say.

I know I was a little off for a couple of days, and I appreciate you giving me the space to work through it. When you asked about postponing the wedding, I wondered if you were second guessing things. Just so you know, that thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. I’m ready. I want this. I want you. I can’t wait to put that ring on your finger and know you’re mine forever.

I’ve also noticed that something might be on your mind lately. You seem a little distant at times, but I promised you I wouldn’t push and ask, and I meant it. Just know that if you ever want to talk, I’m right here. No pressure. No expectations. Just me, always ready to listen.

You mentioned again that I might be reading your text messages. I want to be clear, I haven’t. I know I’ve said that you really don’t think I am, but hearing it again from you stings in a way that’s hard to explain. So, here’s what I’d like to do, I’ve already changed my passcode, and I think it would help if you changed yours too. Not because I don’t trust you, because I do, but to show you that I have nothing to hide and no interest in crossing that line. I think it’s the only way to help you feel secure about this.

The truth is, I’ve tried to be thoughtful and considerate, doing little things I believed would make you feel loved, but lately, it feels like some of those gestures come under suspicion. And that hurts, because it’s not who I am and never will be. I’m not bringing this up to argue or create distance. I just want you to know, I trust you. Fully. I don’t need or want to look at anything on your phone. I just don’t know what else I can do to prove that.

You’re the love of my life. That hasn’t changed, and it never will. You’re everything to me.

No Destination Vacation number three is now in the books. On the first day we headed north to South Dakota. The last time we were there we had tried to visit Wind Cave National Park, but it was closed and we were not able to get in. This time we checked the website and saw that it was open, so we decided to make it our first stop.

Since KH lives in that area, we decided to invite him to meet us in Deadwood. I honestly was not sure how that meeting was going to go. Part of me wondered if I would end up hitting him or if we would simply talk things through.

At one point AJ was on the phone with AE, which gave me the chance to speak with KH privately about the messages that he and AJ had exchanged. He told me essentially the same thing AJ had said. According to him, the messages were mostly just trash talking back and forth and nothing serious. He also said they were from a long time ago and that things had changed since then.

During that conversation I made it clear to him that I was not the one who had almost broken AJ and me apart. I also told him that I was not the one who had to live with the fact that an emotional affair had happened while someone was already in a relationship. That responsibility belonged to him and AJ.

After that, we continued our trip and made it to Wind Cave. From there we drove west to Glacier National Park. The park was incredible. We entered from the east side so we did not have to deal with the timed entry system. Parking was full in many areas, so we mostly drove through the park and only stopped in small pull offs that were barely large enough for the car.

At one stop we found a quiet spot along a river. We sat together there for a while, just taking in the moment in each other’s arms. While we were sitting there, a few deer wandered close to us. They seemed more curious about us than we were surprised to see them.

From Glacier we headed south to Yellowstone National Park. We saw Old Faithful and several other sights before continuing on to Grand Teton National Park.

Grand Teton turned out to be one of the highlights of the trip for me. I was able to get some great photos there, and it is easily one of the most photogenic national parks I have ever visited. We ended up spending more time there than anywhere else on the trip.

Since we were ahead of schedule, KH invited us to meet him in Wyoming and take his side-by-side out for a ride. AJ left the decision up to me, and I decided that we would go.

When we arrived, AJ seemed upset that KH had brought another woman with him. That reaction felt strange to me. If their relationship was truly just friendship, I could not understand why it would bother her.

Later, after we got home, AJ posted photos from our night in South Dakota and tagged both KH and me in them on Facebook. The way the photos and the post were put together made it look like she and KH were a couple. There were more pictures of the two of them than of everyone together.

I told her how I felt about that and removed myself from the tag because I did not want those photos showing up later as memories. After that, she deleted the post.

Later on I learned that during our night out in South Dakota, KH had told AJ that he was in love with her. Hearing that only reinforced my feeling that she may still have some kind of emotional attachment to him. Otherwise, I cannot understand why she would have been upset that he brought another woman with him.

It’s the day before this years No Destination Vacation, and I am very excited about it. I can’t not wait to show you everything I can and where I spent a good portion of my life. There are 3 National Parks that we have the ability to see along the way, and I am hoping that we get the chance to see them. I did not even know that Congaree National Park existed until this week. Since it is very close to I-20, why not make a pit stop even if for a short time.

On the way back from the coast, we will have the opportunity to see the Great Smoky Mountains Nation Park and Hot Springs National Park. I know you have already been to the Great Smoky Mountains. That area is so beautiful. Then we have Hot Springs in Arkansas. I have never been there, and I am really looking forward to it. Double check to make sure you have your hiking boots.

I could tell that yesterday’s letter hurt you, and that tugs at my heart. Please know, it was never my intent to cause you pain. You are the love of my life, my safe place, and these letters should reflect that. They should be a source of comfort, joy, and something you look forward to, not something that brings discomfort or that heavy, yuck feeling.

Moving forward, I want to make these letters something warm and uplifting, something that brings a smile to your heart. I’m going to leave the intrusive thoughts and sensitive subjects out of them so they can become a beautiful thread in the life we’re building together.

As for the subject that’s been consuming me for far too long, I’ve decided to stop giving it space between us. I know it has caused pain, and I don’t want to bring that into our present or our future. It’s time for me to bury it, completely in its entirety. Moving forward, I won’t speak about the situation, or even mention his name. It’s time to let it go for the sake of our peace, our love, and the life we’re building together.

I love you more than you could ever know, and I will not risk hurting you again. You deserve peace, happiness, and a partner who lifts you up. And that’s what I want to be, every single day.

I can’t believe it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written you a letter. Life has been moving so quickly, and we’ve had so much going on lately. Between Alec moving into your house and you transitioning into this one, there’s been a lot of change, but it’s all been part of something beautiful.

Watching how naturally you’ve stepped into this house and started to make it our home has meant so much to me. What once felt cold, industrial, and a bit impersonal is now slowly becoming filled with warmth, comfort, and life, all because of you. The little touches you bring, the thought you put into each room, the way you soften the edges, it’s exactly what this place needed.

I feel lucky every day to build this life with you. Thank you for making this house feel like it’s truly ours.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous about Alec being on his own. It’s one of those milestones that hits a parent differently, the kind that comes with pride, but also a quiet, lingering concern. I just hope he can manage the house, the bills, and everything else that adulthood throws at him.

No matter how old your kids get, I don’t think the wondering ever stops. You still find yourself asking, Will they be okay? Will they manage? Will life be kind to them? But deep down, I know he’s going to be just fine. He’s strong, smart, and capable. And while he might hit a few bumps along the way, we all do, I have no doubt he’ll find his footing and build something solid for himself. I believe in him.

The 4th of July weekend was truly amazing, one of those weekends that lingers in your memory for all the right reasons. Hanging out with your brother Billy was such a great experience. He’s got a laid-back energy that made everything feel easy and fun, and it honestly felt like one of those rare moments where time just slows down for a bit.

I’d love to go back up there next year, maybe even stay at the RV park and make a full experience out of it. The fireworks were absolutely one of the highlights, they lit up the sky in a way that just felt magical, like the perfect punctuation mark to a weekend full of good company, and little moments that mattered.

Lately, I’ve been really struggling with my dreams. It’s strange, I never seem to remember the good ones, only the ones that leave a weight on my chest when I wake up. I don’t want to dream about my past, but that’s where my mind keeps going night after night.

You asked me once if the dreams were about you, and I brushed it off. But the truth is, a few of them are. The one that haunts me most is vivid and painful: it’s our wedding day, and I’m standing there waiting for you… but you walk down the aisle and marry Kevin instead. I’m left there, alone. Everyone else celebrates while I’m just standing there, invisible, discarded.

I know it’s just a dream, but it feels like my subconscious is trying to sort through all the unresolved questions I still carry, that I can’t ask. I can’t shake the feeling that there are parts of your relationship with him that you’ve kept guarded, not to be secretive, but maybe to protect us. Maybe you’re afraid it would hurt too much or spark emotions you or I can’t control.

But I hope that someday, when you’re ready and you feel safe enough, you’ll open up fully and help me understand how deep things really went with him. Not to judge, just to have peace. Because it’s hard fighting shadows when I don’t know what they’re made of.

I’m really looking forward to our trip out east. There’s so much I’ve been holding onto, places, stories, moments, that I’ve never been able to share with you, simply because of the distance. But now, I finally get to open that part of my world to you.

There are so many things I want you to see and experience, not just landmarks or scenery, but pieces of my past, the kind that shaped who I am today. It’s more than just a road trip for me, it’s a chance to bring you into parts of my life that have stayed tucked away until now. And being able to do that with you by my side… it means more than I can really put into words.

You are my entire world, the center of my heart, and the calm in my storm. With every moment we spend together, my love for you grows in ways I never thought possible. It’s in the quiet glances, the shared laughter, the way your hand fits in mine, every second with you deepens the bond I feel.

I love you more than words could ever fully express. More than I can describe, more than you may ever truly know. It’s a love that lives in every breath I take and in every hope I have for the future. You are everything to me, my love, my peace, my home.

It turned out to be a pretty good day, even though we were not able to stay at the tipi resort we had originally planned because of mold in the tipis.

Spending time with her brother really helped make the day better. He took us out on his boat, though you could tell he was a little nervous. He had only been boating for a short time, and the lake was pretty rough that day. Even so, we made the best of it and still had a good time being out on the water.

Later we picked up some fireworks and found a campground that offered day passes. They had a roped-off area where you could safely launch fireworks out over the water, which made for a really fun way to end the evening.

By the end of the day we were already talking about coming back. We told each other that in 2026 we should bring the RV and spend the whole weekend there.

I want to sincerely apologize for suggesting that you might be sharing these letters with KH. That was an intrusive thought, one of those unwanted feelings that can sneak in and distort reality. I hate how they sometimes get in the way of what’s actually happening between us. I know the last letter upset you, and that’s never what I want. I’m truly sorry. I’m continuing to work on myself, learning how to recognize and manage these thoughts better. The last thing I ever want is for anything, even my own mind, to come between us.

I know I said last night that I was going to stop writing these letters. But the truth is, I think you really do appreciate them, and they’re a form of journaling for me. They help me process what I’m feeling, and they’ve become a way to capture the life we’re building together. One day, I imagine us looking back at these moments, reading these words, and remembering all the little things that made our love story so special.

And speaking of special, I truly believe the song I had made for you this time fits us perfectly. Hearing that you want to have part of the lyrics printed and hung in our home meant the world to me. If there’s a particular line that stands out to you, something that really captures our love, let me know. I’d love to have it printed over one of our photos and made into something lasting, maybe even on metal, something beautiful to hang up and see every day.

And just so you know, I feel comfortable with Amy knowing about these letters. Honestly, I think her and Anthony’s relationship might even benefit from the idea of writing each other letters. I had no idea how helpful this would actually be for me until I started doing it.

If you’re ever open to writing letters too, I’d love that. It really helps to process things more clearly, and I believe it can open up conversations between us that might not happen otherwise. There’s something powerful about putting thoughts into words, something freeing.

Just know that no matter what I’m going through or what thoughts are weighing on my mind, my love for you never wavers. I love you with every ounce of my being. I’m sorry that I tend to overthink, I know it can make things heavier than they need to be. But through it all, what remains constant is how deeply I want to spend my life with you. I’m looking forward to growing old by your side and proudly calling you, my wife.

I love you more than I will ever be able to show you.

I’m so happy and excited that we were able to get you the car you truly wanted. Seeing you light up made the whole experience even more special for me. I really hope yesterday felt meaningful for you, because you deserve moments like this, where everything feels right and just for you

And I’m especially excited to be giving you something meaningful today as one of your early birthday gifts. I’ve been looking forward to this moment, and I can’t wait to see your reaction and hear what you think. It means a lot to me to be able to share this with you.

I want you to know that I’ve still been writing these letters to you. They’ve become a way for me to process everything swirling around in my head, especially the more intrusive thoughts that I don’t always know how to say out loud. But I’ve been hesitant to give them to you, mostly because of how raw they are, and how much noise they come from.

What’s been weighing on me even more is this quiet fear I can’t shake, that maybe you’ve mentioned them to KH since you talk and share a lot with him or even joked about them. I know that might sound irrational, but it’s just something I feel deep in my gut, and it adds another layer to the hesitation. These letters are deeply personal, and I guess I’m afraid of them being misunderstood or shared beyond us.

I love you with every ounce of my being.

Just a heads-up before you read this, this letter is a long one, and it contains some deeply intrusive thoughts. There have been a few triggers lately that stirred up a lot of noise in my mind, and writing this has become the only real outlet I have to release some of that weight.

I know some of what I share here may be hard to read, but I hope you understand it’s not meant to blame or accuse, it’s just me trying to make sense of everything going on in my head and heart.

If there’s anything in here that I’m misinterpreting or don’t fully understand, I really hope you’ll talk with me about it. I want us to keep growing in openness and trust, even when the topics are difficult.

I’m writing this letter on the day we’re picking up your new car, a day I know is going to be really special for you. That’s why I’ve decided not to give this to you today. I want you to enjoy this moment without any extra weight on your heart.

To be honest, I don’t even know if I’ll ever give this to you. I’ve written others before, and some of them never made it into your hands. I ended up destroying them, not because they didn’t matter, but because they carried pieces of me I wasn’t sure I was ready to share.

This letter is long, probably the longest yet, because my mind has been running so fast lately. The thoughts are piling up quicker than I can make sense of them, and writing them down is the only way I know to keep from being overwhelmed. This is me, trying to breathe through the noise, trying to find clarity in the chaos.

The weekend trip to the river was a good one, peaceful in its own way and full of little moments I’ll remember. But truthfully, I think it’s something I’d enjoy more if it were just the two of us. That kind of environment isn’t quite right. So for now, I don’t plan on taking him back anytime soon.

I also came to realize something about Matt, he’s a friend best experienced in small doses. A couple of hours here and there is one thing, but a full weekend? That’s a bit too much. I guess it’s one of those things you learn by living through it. What I truly wanted from that weekend was time to relax and connect with you. That’s where I find peace.

Knowing how close you and KH are still weighs heavily on my heart. Even though you’ve told me that you don’t share everything with him, deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that you might be sharing parts of these letters, my most vulnerable, raw moments, as conversation points with him, maybe even with a hint of humor. I don’t know why I feel that way exactly, but it’s there, sitting in my gut like a quiet warning I can’t ignore.

What hurts the most is this sense that he knows more about what’s going on in your heart, mind, and in our life together, than I do. And I’m living it with you. I’m the one beside you every day, yet I feel like a stranger in some parts of your emotional world. That’s not easy to admit. I tend to be a very private person, and the thought of someone I barely know having insight into parts of me I haven’t even fully unpacked with you yet, it makes me want to pull away. It makes me feel like I need to protect my thoughts, not just from the world, but from being shared without context or care.

I understand you’ve known KH for a long time, longer than you’ve known me. And I’m not trying to erase that part of your life. But what’s hard for me is knowing he wasn’t just a friend, he is an ex-boyfriend. That changes the dynamic. You once told me that friends don’t kiss friends, and you and KH were more than that. That sticks with me. I know you’ve told me parts of the story, but I can’t help feeling like there’s more that you haven’t said, maybe because you’re afraid of how I’ll react, especially as we continue to move forward and grow stronger together.

One of my deepest fears is losing you, and sometimes, I can’t help but feel like KH is your exit plan if things between us were ever to fall apart. I’m not proud to admit that, but it’s the truth that’s been echoing in my mind since everything came to light.

When I saw the messages between you and KH, it felt like I’d been punched in the chest. It felt like betrayal, like I’d stepped into the same nightmare I lived through with Vickie. I know this situation is different, and I know you are not her, but that pain, that sting of broken trust, felt all too familiar. It brought back that old, paralyzing question I thought I’d left behind: What did I do wrong? Was I not enough? Am I just a placeholder until something, or someone, you once loved becomes possible again?

The hardest part in all of this wasn’t just the messages. It was realizing that the person you turn to most, the one you confide in the deepest, may not be me. And that leaves a kind of emptiness that’s difficult to put into words. When trust cracks, everything else begins to feel uncertain. And the thought of losing you to someone who already knows so much about your heart, that terrifies me.

I’m still here. I still love you more than I can express. But I need you to know how much this has shaken me, not because I doubt your love, but because I’m scared to lose something that means everything to me.

When the messages and the depth of your relationship with KH came to light, it hit me harder than I ever expected. It made me realize just how deeply I love you, how much you truly mean to me. But at the same time, it brought a painful thought to the surface, what if you’re still in love with someone else?

You are my world. And having that world shaken by broken trust, by things that were kept from me, is something I’m still trying to recover from. Right now, it feels like I’m carrying this weight alone. I find myself questioning things I wish I didn’t have to.

More than anything, I need to know that you truly love me. That you’re here with your whole heart. You know what I went through with Vickie, how I discovered the dishonesty only after she was gone. I know you’re not her. I don’t confuse who you are with who she was. But I can’t deny that the similarities in the situation, the secrecy, the messages, stir up those old wounds in me. The time when you were going through your messages looking for another “bomb shell” you still skipped over a lot things that were there. Things that were said that you never wanted me to know.

Even little things linger in my mind. Like the pet names. He called you “Gumball,” and when I asked, you wouldn’t tell me what you called him. And maybe it’s something small, but it adds to that feeling that there are pieces of the story still hidden from me. And all I want is honesty, openness, and reassurance that I’m the person you’ve chosen with your whole heart.

When we first met and spent that time together at the hotel, something happened between us. But not long after, we both shared that it felt a bit like we were cheating on our late spouses. At the time, I thought it was just part of the grief and transition, but after everything that’s come to light, I can’t help but wonder if, for you, it was different.

Looking back now, I think those feelings you had might have stemmed from being emotionally involved with KH. It makes me feel like I stepped into the middle of something that hadn’t fully ended. Seeing the messages you exchanged with him, so personal, so emotionally charged, makes me question whether I was unknowingly intruding on something still active between the two of you.

And then there’s the part I can’t ignore, the photos that were deleted. That kind of haunts me. Why were you so upset when I had open your photos on your Mac? You asked what I was doing and I was looking for photos of us. Is there some in a folder of you and KH that you did not want me to see? Makes me wonder, what was in those images that couldn’t be seen? What was too painful, too intimate, or too revealing?

I’m just trying to make sense of everything. These questions keep looping in my mind, and all I really want is some way to quiet the noise so I can feel grounded in this wonderful life we’re building together.

You told him in messages, just shortly after we started our relationship, that he was playing mind games with you, that you were building a life with me, yet you were secretly still in love with him. Reading that, it cut deeper than I ever expected anything could. It still echoes in my heart and weighs heavily on my soul.

What I continue to struggle with is why you never told me about the true nature of your relationship with him. I was led to believe he was just a friend, but those messages painted a much different picture, one I wasn’t prepared for. I remember you once said that, you don’t always get to choose your friends, and I’ve done my best to honor that with you. I’ve tried not to question who you choose to keep in your life. And I will never tell you who you can or cannot be friends with.

You told him you wanted to send photos of yourself in your new jacket, and even more intimate ones, of your legs, and up your dress. You mentioned how you liked the feeling of your legs wrapped around him. Those words are burned into my memory. They weren’t just casual, they were intimate, deeply personal.

I’m trying to process it all without resentment, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t tearing at something inside of me. I just need to understand how we move forward with trust, when the past feels so close and unresolved.

Looking back on some of the messages from the early days of our relationship, I can’t help but feel that you were genuinely in love with him at one point, and part of me wonders if a piece of that still lingers. It sometimes feels like you’re still carrying thoughts of him, wondering what could have been.

I’ve thought about how you asked him multiple times to move to Texas and be with you, and even after we were together, there were several times you asked if you could go see him, trips that never included me. A cruise for his birthday to celebrate, plans to go to Las Vegas, those didn’t seem just casual mentions. They felt personal, like you were trying to keep that door open. And it makes me question, were those just friendly gestures, or was there a part of you still searching for something in him, trying to see if the spark was still there?

I find myself wondering, if you had followed through on any of those trips, would we even be where we are today? Would we have had a chance at building this life together? And deep down, I can’t stop asking, why did you choose me over him? Have you really moved on? Because some of the messages where you professed your love for him were from just two years ago, and that closeness still haunts me.

When I was moving clothes from the Temple house to the Belton house, I came across that shirt you have of KH’s. Deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that it holds some kind of significance. You’ve kept it for nearly four years, and when I asked you about it, you said you didn’t remember how you got it. Maybe it’s just the cracks in trust talking, but I’m not entirely sure I believe that. It feels like there’s a story behind it, one you might not want to tell me. And that uncertainty weighs on me.

It also made me think of something else, another piece of clothing. That pink shirt with the heart on it. I remember reading one of your messages to him where you asked if he noticed anything about it. Is that something he gave you? Is there something special about it that I don’t know? These questions don’t come from a place of wanting to accuse, but from a place of wanting to understand, because right now, it feels like there are still pieces you do not want me to ever know.

I’m still trying to find a way to let go of all these emotions surrounding you and KH. I know you’ve explained why it was kept a secret, and maybe on some level I do understand, but not fully. And truthfully, I’m not sure I ever will. The fact that it was hidden from me for so long has left this lingering sense of unease. It’s like a shadow that won’t quite fade, no matter how much light we bring into our relationship.

It also stirs up painful memories I thought I had buried. After Vickie passed, I discovered she had been cheating on me, something I only realized by reading through her Facebook messages. That betrayal still echoes in me. And after seeing some of the conversations you had with KH, it triggers that same sense of heartbreak. The feelings are eerily familiar, that sinking pit in my stomach, that spinning confusion in my chest. I know you aren’t her, and I know this is a different situation, but emotionally, it touches the same raw nerve.

I don’t want to carry these thoughts forever. But they are here, and they’re heavy. And I’m just doing my best to work through them, piece by piece.

Nothing I do seems to quiet the deep hurt I’m carrying. These feelings just keep resurfacing, like an echo I can’t silence, this constant noise in my head that’s slowly wearing me down. And every time it happens, it feels like I’m reliving the pain all over again. It’s not always loud, but it’s persistent, like a low hum of uneasiness that there’s still something I don’t know, something you haven’t told me.

When we’re laughing or simply enjoying each other, the noise fades and I feel peace. But then, like clockwork, something reminds me, and the noise rushes back in. Sometimes it’s not even anything tangible, just a passing thought, and suddenly I’m spiraling. I remember a time when I thought he and I might even become friends. But now I realize why that never felt quite right.

It’s only now becoming clear to me why you were uneasy when I added him to that group chat, why his reaction to you, calling it a power move. That phrase has stuck with me. It felt like he was acknowledging something that I wasn’t even aware of at that moment. And maybe that’s what this is all about, that feeling of being the outsider in something I didn’t even know existed.

So how do I make these thoughts stop? I wish I knew. Even now, when I see you messaging him, I get this uncomfortable, almost sick feeling in my gut. It’s not just the fact that you talk, it’s that it often happens when I’m not around. That’s what makes it feel secretive, even if it’s not meant to be. I brought it up to you, and you laughed it off, saying it was just because you wanted to talk with me instead.

But that didn’t take the feeling away. Yesterday was the first time I remember you actually having a phone conversation with him while I was nearby, and even then, something felt off. You got really quiet during parts of it, like you didn’t want me to hear what was being said. It made me wonder: Did you tell him you couldn’t really talk because I was there? Was there something being said that you didn’t want me to hear?

You told me you talked to him while we were at the river, but why did you have to leave the campsite to do it? Why not just make the call where we all were, like it was no big deal?

These are the things that replay in my mind, and I wish they didn’t. I want to feel secure. But these moments plant doubt, and that doubt grows louder every time the silence sets in.

Please don’t take any of this as me not wanting you to be friends with him, that’s truly not the case. I know you and KH were there for each other during incredibly difficult times, and friendships built in those moments can be powerful and rare. I respect that. Friends like that aren’t easy to find.

I guess part of my struggle is rooted in comparison. When I look at your friendship with Amy, it’s clear she often makes things about herself and isn’t always there for you the way you deserve. But with KH, it’s different, he was there. I see that, and I honor the space that relationship holds for you.

Right now, I feel so alone in all of this, even though I know I’m not truly alone. It’s just this overwhelming weight that’s hard to describe. There are moments where I want to disappear, to escape from everything. I’m starting to feel numb, and that scares me, because I know what that numbness can become. I can feel the early edges of depression creeping in, and I’m trying so hard to push through it.

What keeps me grounded, what keeps me holding on, is the life we’re building together, the love that exists between us. That love is real, and it’s the anchor I cling to when everything else feels unstable. But I’d be lying if I said I never feel like I’m walking this emotional road alone. I love you with everything I have, and all I want is to feel that love going both ways, not just in words, but in presence, in trust, and in emotional closeness. I don’t want to be the person in a relationship who loves deeply but quietly wonders if they’re loving alone.

Just know that no matter what I’m going through, no matter what storms are swirling in my head, my love for you remains unwavering. I love you with every ounce of my being, fully, fiercely, and without hesitation. I know I tend to overthink, and I’m sorry for the weight that sometimes brings into our world. It’s never meant to cause pain, it’s simply my heart trying to protect what it cherishes most, you. I’m looking forward to all the years ahead with you, to building a life filled with love, laughter, and healing. I can’t wait to grow old with you and call you my wife.

This weekend at the river was great. It was exactly the kind of break we needed. But I’ve been thinking, it might be nice for us to plan a trip down there, just the two of us, one of these weekends. As much as I care about Aaric, I think he’s still too young to really enjoy or handle that kind of environment. And honestly, going with Matt again isn’t something I’m in a rush to do either. I enjoy his company in small doses, but spending an entire weekend with him, especially when we’re already managing Aaric’s energy, isn’t exactly relaxing. It would be really nice to just unwind, slow down, and enjoy, just you and me.

I’m really looking forward to getting you the car you picked out tomorrow. It makes me happy to see you excited about it. I have to admit, I was caught off guard when you said it’s the first car you’ve ever truly gotten to choose. In full transparency, I genuinely thought you had chosen the others you’ve gotten since we’ve been together. I didn’t realize you felt like I had been making those decisions for you. Please know, that has never been my intent, and it never would be. I want you to have the freedom to make choices that make you happy and reflect what you want. Supporting you means trusting your voice and your preferences, and I hope you always feel that from me moving forward. I can’t wait to see you behind the wheel of the car you chose. You deserve that joy.

I know I tried to deny sending KH that package about the gay cruise, and I’m pretty sure you saw right through it. And while I’m glad everyone got a good laugh out of it, the truth is, deep down I was trying to embarrass him. The truth is, I’m still trying to make sense of the relationship you had with him. I guess I don’t fully understand it, and maybe I never will. I know you’ve explained it in your way, and I’m not trying to doubt you. But from the outside looking in, it’s still hard for me to wrap my head around. And to be honest, it’s difficult for me to watch you talk with someone I still feel, in some way, is an ex-boyfriend.

I know I’m probably viewing it through my own lens, through my past, through my insecurities, and I’m not trying to project that onto you. I just want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally. I’m working on it, really. Trying to understand, trying to let go of the things I can’t change, and trusting what we’re building together. Thanks for being patient with me through all of this. I know I don’t always say things the right way at first, but I do want to grow through it with you.

While moving clothes from the Temple house to the Belton house, I came across that shirt of KH’s. I must admit, it caught me off guard. It feels like there’s something meaningful about it, especially since it’s still been around after all this time. When I asked you about it and you said you didn’t remember how you came into possession of it, I tried to take that at face value. But if I’m being completely honest, with everything that’s happened and the cracks in trust we’ve been working through, I’m not 100% sure I believe that. It just feels like there’s more to the story, and maybe it’s something you don’t want to share with me.

I’m not bringing this up to accuse or stir things up. I just want to be honest about what’s sitting in my mind and heart. These are the kinds of things that, left unspoken, can quietly build walls between us, and that’s the last thing I want. I know rebuilding trust takes time, and conversations like this are part of that process. All I’m asking for is honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable. Because I’d rather work through something real with you than be left in doubt.

I’m still trying to find a way to let go of all the emotions I’ve been carrying about everything that happened between you and KH. I know, in my head, why you kept it a secret, but if I’m being honest, I still don’t fully understand it in my heart. Because it was hidden from me for so long, there’s this lingering feeling of uneasiness that I can’t quite shake.

Part of what makes it so difficult is that it brings up old wounds. After Vickie passed away, I discovered she had been cheating on me, and like your messages with KH, it all happened through Facebook Messenger. Reading some of those conversations between you and KH… it stirred up that same feeling I had when I read Vickie’s messages. That gut-punch realization that something was happening behind the scenes that I wasn’t supposed to know about. And that parallel, intentional or not, has been a big emotional trigger for me.

I know you are not her, and I don’t want to unfairly compare the two situations. But the emotional impact is still real. It’s the trust that was quietly shaken, the questions that were never fully answered, and the part of me that’s still trying to make peace with it all. I want to let go of these feelings. I want to fully move forward with you. I choose you, every single day. But I also want to be honest about what I’m carrying so that I don’t end up silently dragging it behind me.

All I ask is for continued honesty, openness, and patience. I know healing takes time, and I believe we’ll get there together. I love you, and I want our future to be free of shadows from the past.

Nothing I’ve tried is working when it comes to getting rid of the deep feelings of hurt I still carry. They keep coming back, uninvited, like noise that fills my head, and it’s really starting to wear me down.

There are moments when things are good, really good. We’re connected, I feel present, and for a while, the noise goes quiet. But then KH comes up, and it all comes rushing back. Just like that, the peace is gone, and I’m right back in that space of doubt, pain, and questioning.

I don’t know how to get rid of these feelings. I wish I did. I want to let go, I truly do. But every time I feel like I’m making progress, something pulls me back. Even now, when I know you’re messaging him, I feel that same uncomfortable twist in my gut. It’s not jealousy, it’s that sense of secrecy again. The not knowing. The not being part of it. The silence that makes my mind fill in blanks I wish didn’t exist.

Knowing you two are talking or calling each other might not bother me at all if I felt included in some way, or at least reassured. But when it happens quietly, without context, it feels like it’s still being kept from me. And that feeling, real or not, is hard to ignore. I’m not trying to control your friendships or put restrictions on who you talk to. What I’m trying to do is make sense of what’s happening inside me. I don’t want to carry this pain into our future, especially as we move toward building a life together. I want healing. I want peace. I want to feel secure again.

But right now, I need help figuring out how to get there. Because I can’t do it alone. And the noise isn’t something I can just silence with willpower, it’s something I need to work through with honesty, support, and trust.

Right now, I feel like I’m walking through this alone. I can feel the weight of it creeping in, like the early signs of depression starting to settle over me. And I’m doing everything I can to push through it, to hold onto the truth that we’re building something beautiful together. It’s that belief in us, in the love we have for each other, that keeps me moving forward. I know we’ve shared so many good moments, so much growth, and I hold on to that with everything I have. Because I love you deeply, and I want this life with you.

But at the same time, I’m struggling. I don’t want to feel like I’m in a relationship where love is only flowing in one direction. That thought alone is heartbreaking. I want us to be fully in it together, emotionally, honestly, and completely.

What makes it harder is knowing how much KH seems to know about my life, our life. It doesn’t sit right with me. It feels like another quiet violation of trust, like someone has access to parts of us that should belong to just us. And it’s hard not to feel exposed or overlooked when someone outside of our relationship is holding so much of what we’ve shared.

Please understand, I’m not saying these things to attack or blame. I’m sharing them because I need you to understand where I am emotionally. I need to feel like I’m not fighting through this on my own. That we’re standing side by side, not just in the good times, but in the hard ones too. I want us to be stronger than the past, stronger than the doubts. But I also know we have to face the hard stuff together to get there. And I’m here, loving you, choosing you, and hoping we can keep moving forward, hand in hand.

Just know that no matter what I’m going through, no matter what thoughts may be racing through my head, I love you, with every ounce of my being. That love doesn’t waver, even in the moments when I’m struggling. It’s constant, it’s real, and it’s deeply rooted in everything I feel for you. I’m holding on to the future we’re building together, the one where I get to grow old with you by my side. The one where I get to call you my wife. That thought alone brings me comfort and hope, even on the hard days.

You are my heart, my peace, and my forever.

I love you!