Mind Cancer

Morning was very bad.  AE would not get up for school after repeated attempts from AJ to wake him up.  He ended up missing the bus

I was talking to AJ on her way to work and she said that I am too restrictive and AE does not like to be at the house because it is not fun. I asked why he can’t play in the game room as that is what it is meant for and she said that he is too isolated in there. The house is an open concept. Yes, the game room is off to the side but that is what the room is meant for. AE is so destructive that I don’t want any of my things broken. I am half way tempted to remove all breakables out of the living room to include the TV to make a point.

I do plan on asking AE if he knows what a divorce is. Let him know that if his mom and I get one, they will have to move and AS and I would not be in their lives anymore.

Another fucked up day in the house, and another sleepless night.

It started this morning when AJ talked to me like I was stupid. I had asked her about a tree that was being cut down at her work because I was trying to clarify something she mentioned earlier. Instead of just answering the question, she responded in a way that made me feel like an idiot for asking.

She told me about some mental health services that could come to the house to evaluate AE while he is at home with us. I actually think that is a really good idea.

Later in the afternoon she received a message from AE’s school saying he had been defiant in science class. He was tossing around a fidget toy and distracting the other students. He refused to do any of his work. Eventually someone was called in to help redirect him, but he just sat at his desk and started slamming his hand into his Chromebook. She also told me she has a conflict tomorrow, so I will have to take him to football practice while she attends a meeting with her group. I really do not want to do that at all.

AE had golf practice after school, and AJ and I decided to go out for dinner instead of trying to cook at home. For a while things were actually fine. I made a point of sitting somewhere where everyone could get the type of food they wanted.

After dinner, things went downhill quickly. As soon as we got home he started being rude and disrespectful to everyone in the house and making the whole place miserable.

When I was getting ready for bed, AJ was extremely upset and started blaming me for AE’s behavior. I asked her what I had done wrong, and she could not give me an answer.

I ended up leaving the bedroom and going into my office. While I was there I started looking up how long it takes to get a divorce in Texas. From what I read, if it is uncontested it can take about sixty days. What I really wanted to know was whether I would have to give up my house if it came to that. From what I could tell, anything owned before the marriage is considered personal property and the other person has no claim to it.

While I was reading, I overheard AE ask AJ where I was. She said I was in my office and was probably looking up divorces. She knows I am at my wits’ end with him, but divorce would still be a last resort for me. I do want this marriage to work.

Later that evening, after things had cooled down, I went back into the bedroom to try and get some sleep. I stayed right on the edge of the bed on my side so I would not touch her.

At one point she said she cannot wait until AE turns eighteen so he can get the hell out. Honestly, I could not even argue with that statement. She also mentioned that she cannot live the way she and her late husband did, with a house full of anger. I told her that I love her and that I still choose her, but I am not sure she chooses me the same way. The issues with CL and AE are driving a wedge between us, and I do not know what to do about it. After a while we made some small talk. I reached over to see if she would pull away. When she did not, I pulled her closer and held her. It felt like she did not really want that. She did mention that she found a family counselor and she was going to call them tomorrow. We shall see if she actually does.

For the past few months I have had this growing feeling that maybe she only settled for me. Like she really missed the boat with KH. Sometimes it feels like her kids deserve happiness but I do not, and because I do not make that my top priority, I become the bad guy. I guess time will tell how all of this plays out.

While we were in bed, AE came out of his room and went into the bathroom. I heard AJ say to him, “What the hell?” Since we were actually speaking again at that point, I asked what was going on. AE said he was taking a shower because he had shit his pants. I honestly do not understand how a twelve-year-old is still dealing with that.

I have also been thinking about why I am putting all off this online. I know AJ would be extremely upset if she ever found out. But the reality is that I cannot tell her everything that is on my mind, either verbally or through letters. The letters made her uncomfortable, so I stopped writing them. But I have to get it out of my system. I actually took the ones she had kept and shredded them. She has not noticed yet.

I could not sleep again last night, so I ended up getting up and watching a movie in the living room. While I was watching it, I had time to think about a few things.

First, when it comes to CL and the car, I have removed all expectations that I am ever going to see the rest of the money I paid for it returned. I am not going to bring it up to AJ anymore either. I already told her that I will no longer involve her in those conversations. She tends to focus on his best interests rather than what is best for the household, so at this point it is what it is.

I am still paying for his phone though. I have decided that the next time he misses a payment, I am not going to say anything to anyone. I will simply turn the phone off. He has the money now where he can get his own phone, and since he is not my child, AJ or his dad can pay for it if they want him to have one.

I am also going to do the same thing with AE. If AJ wants him to have a phone, then she can pay for it. I am also planning to cancel all of the subscriptions I pay for since AE is really the only one who uses them. I am no longer willing to cover those either.

When AJ invites CL over to the house, I will just make sure that I am not there. I do not want any part of being around him.

Later that morning we tried to go to church, but AE was being extremely difficult. By the time we were ready to leave, we were already going to be very late. I asked AJ in the car if we should just go get breakfast instead since we were running so far behind. She said she was not hungry and that there were some things she needed to take care of, so we skipped church and handled those errands instead.

While we were out, and knowing she had been stressed about the situation with CJ and the car, I took her to get her nails done in hopes that it would improve her mood. It actually worked and helped make the rest of the day better.

Before heading home she wanted to stop by a campground that is not far from the house. She ended up talking me into booking a site there for Easter weekend. That means we will now be camping two weekends in a row. I am not sure I am really up for that, because spending that much time camping with AE can be pretty exhausting.

After we got home we had a couple of hours before a fish fry we were planning to attend. AJ and I tried to relax, but AE would not let us. He was playing Xbox in his room and kept coming out making all kinds of strange noises. We even told him we were trying to take a nap, and he said he would not allow it. So that ended any chance of getting some rest.

At the fish fry things were actually fine. AE did not really get on anyone’s nerves while we were there.

On the way home, though, he mentioned that he had a pain in his abdomen and that sometimes it hurt when he went to the bathroom. He had mentioned something like that once before but then never said anything else about it, so AJ had assumed it was nothing.

This time he brought it up again and said he did not want to wait to get an appointment. AJ called her mom, who is a nurse, and she told her to go ahead and take him to the emergency room.

So we ended up at the ER on the way home. We spent about two hours there before they determined that he has a urinary tract infection. Thankfully it was nothing serious.

AJ has hardly said two words to me yesterday. In the morning she asked me why I seem to have different standards when it comes to her kids. She brought up the fact that I lent money to a friend and have not gotten anything back from him yet.

The difference, at least from my perspective, is that my friend never promised to pay me back on a specific schedule. We do talk from time to time about when he might be able to start paying me back, but it has never been a set expectation. Those conversations also do not involve her.

The situation with CJ is very different. It does involve her, and he has done nothing but lie to both of us about things. At this point it feels like whenever CJ opens his mouth, he is lying about something.

AE went fishing and caught some fish.  As soon as he returned he was relenless on making arrangements on setting up a fish fry.  AJ reached out to her nephew and asked if he would like do so something tomorrow.  He agreed and that shut up AE about it.

Yesterday AJ and I were having a really good day, until things suddenly changed.

I remembered that CJ was supposed to start receiving funds again from his dad’s GI Bill. He had actually received money about a month earlier, but that had been hidden from me because he still owes me money for the car I bought for him a few months ago. When things like that happen, it makes me question why I was not told and what else might not be getting shared with me.

Last night I asked AJ why I had not been paid before the money was sent to him, since we had all agreed on how the payments were supposed to work. I was supposed to receive $1,150 this month. That included $800 for the money I loaned him to repair the car and $350 for the monthly car payment.

I asked her if he planned on making that payment. She told me that I would only be getting the $350 and not the full $1,150 that was owed.

CJ is already months behind on payments because he stopped going to class and lost his VA stipend. His dad had to pay money back just to get the stipend started again. After I got upset about the situation, I was given $1,000 for the month.

This whole car situation is putting a lot of strain on AJ and me. I am starting to feel like I am being used by both of them. I hate even thinking that way about someone who is supposed to be my wife, but when I am expected to pay for nearly everything it starts to build up. It is not just the house expenses, but also helping support her kids.

She sometimes says that I do too much for AS, but the truth is that I have not given my son a single dollar in well over a year.

From where I sit, it feels like she is using most of her paycheck to support CJ, who refuses to support himself, while whatever the house needs ends up falling on me to cover.

Nothing like going to be angry and upset and having a sleepless night.

Today AJ told me that she is thinking about giving the wedding bands from her late husband to CL so he can use them to propose to the girl he is with. She asked me if I thought it was a good idea.

I told her that it was completely up to her and that I did not have an opinion on the matter. At least, not one that I was willing to share with her.

The truth is that I do have concerns about it. I do not have much confidence in CL’s decision making, and I worry that if he ever gets desperate for money he might end up pawning them. That is not something I can really say to AJ, though, so I kept that thought to myself.

I was in St. Louis this week for a work trip. Honestly, I have started to appreciate these trips more than I expected. I never thought I would enjoy being back on the road for work, but in some ways it has become a blessing in disguise.

Being away means I do not have to deal with AE as much during the week. The downside is coming home to the things that AJ allows him to get away with while I am gone.

While I was in St. Louis, she let AE sleep in the living room the entire time. I have been very clear that I do not like that. The living room is a shared space, not a bedroom. When I bring it up, she usually just laughs it off and says that when I am not home they do not have to follow the rules.

I did not push the issue this time, but the next time I travel, if I find out she is letting him sleep in the living room again, I am considering removing the restrictions on his Xbox and television and unblocking YouTube so she can deal with the consequences herself.

I am getting very tired of coming home and having to reset everything back to normal. Every time I return, I end up having to enforce the rules all over again because they were not followed while I was gone.

Situations like this are starting to create distance between AJ and me. It also creates friction between AE and me when I try to enforce the rules after being away.

Today we took AE to the gun range so he could shoot his .22 caliber rifle. He had been begging all weekend, and I finally gave in. Since he had been behaving well since we got back from our trip, I figured it would be a good reward for him.

While we were at the range, everything actually went smoothly. He followed instructions and did not cause any problems. We stayed for about an hour, and he did not even complain when it was time to leave.

As soon as we got home, though, things changed. It felt like once he had gotten what he wanted, he no longer felt the need to behave. He went right back to being disrespectful to everyone in the house and ignoring the rules we have set. He argued about nearly everything AJ or I asked him to do.

I am taking this as another lesson learned with him. I told him that since he cannot handle it, I will not be taking him to the gun range anymore. If AJ wants him to go, she can take him to the indoor range instead.

AJ and I went to Three Texans Winery this evening with BA and LA. The conversation with them was good, and overall it was a pleasant time.

During the evening AJ mentioned that she did not like receiving the letters I have written to her in the past. That caught me off guard because in the past she had told me that she liked getting them.

When things like that happen, it makes me start doubting the things she tells me. It also brings the emotional affair she had with KH back into my mind again.

She says that she is no longer talking with him and that he stopped responding to her right before we got married. Still, the doubt sits in my head. I find myself wondering if there is something else she is hiding.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just overthinking everything.

AJ and I decided to take a long weekend since we thought it might be our last chance for a while, with CL expecting yet another baby. I do not understand why he keeps having kids when neither of them works and they have no income. CJ just does not seem to have a clue.

CL agreed to watch AE while we were gone. With a little bribery, AE behaved well enough for CJ during the trip. I offered him a $50 Roblox gift card and promised to take him to the range when we got back.

We flew out of Texas and landed in San Francisco. I took AJ to Pier 39 to see the sea lions. After that we went to an old fort to get a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, and then drove across it as we headed toward the coast.

We spent the weekend driving up the coast toward Redwood National Park. The views along the coastline were incredible. I never realized just how beautiful the rocky coastline was. Seeing those massive trees in person was also something special. The size of them is hard to describe unless you are standing right next to them.

From there we drove to Crater Lake National Park. While driving through the mountain passes we received a winter storm warning, but we managed to avoid getting caught in it. When we arrived at Crater Lake there was snow everywhere, and AJ was in heaven seeing it. We even rented snowshoes and walked around the area for a while.

We were in a rental car and it started snowing again, so we decided not to risk getting stuck. We headed down from Crater Lake and continued on to Portland since we were flying out the next day. We also wanted to see AS, who has been there since January.

We were able to see him briefly that night after he got off work, and then we met him again for breakfast the following morning. While we were there, we also crossed over into Washington to grab a coffee, just so we could check another state off our maps.