Author: Mind Cancer

Let me start by saying you are truly the love of my life. During some of our first conversations, I told you about writing VS a letter after she passed, containing everything on my mind, only to burn it afterward. As I write this, I’m contemplating doing the same with these words. If you’re reading this now, well… I guess I needed you to hear me.

The purpose of this letter isn’t to make you feel sad or upset, it’s just me trying to make sense of the storm inside my head. These are the words I can’t seem to say out loud without my voice breaking.

Monday blindsided me completely. That feeling in my chest, like someone had reached in and squeezed my heart until it couldn’t beat right anymore, God, I didn’t think I’d have to feel that again so soon. It’s that same shattering feeling you know all too well.

I stared at those messages until my eyes burned. Reading them once, twice, twenty times, like maybe the words would rearrange themselves if I just looked hard enough. My mind kept rejecting what was right in front of me. Not us. Not after the life we’ve been building, the future we’ve painted together in our conversations.

I keep asking myself what I did wrong. What made you turn to someone else. You’ve told me it wasn’t about me, but my mind still has a hard time accepting that answer. Was I not listening when you needed me? Did I stop seeing you somewhere along the way? I replay our days together looking for the moment I failed you.

Remember those nights when you’d go quiet, and I’d ask what was wrong, and you’d say “nothing” with that faraway look? I felt it then, that subtle withdrawal, the slight shift in how you held yourself around me. My gut twisted with a warning I chose to ignore. I told myself I was being insecure, that relationships have up’s and down’s. I chose us over my fears. Monday, I sat there wondering if I should have trusted that hollow feeling all along.

I’ve analyzed every action, every time I was too wrapped up in my own world to notice yours. I’ve questioned everything about myself. Is it the way I look now? The way I laugh? Have I become that person you tolerate rather than desire? The one you’ve outgrown but don’t know how to leave?

For three years, I’ve felt those moments when something seemed off, when you’d check your phone a little too quickly, when your smile wouldn’t quite reach your eyes. That voice in my head would whisper that you were slipping away, but I’d drown it out with memories of good days. Then I saw those messages about a life that didn’t include me, and suddenly that voice was the only one I could hear.

I’ve made bargains with myself that don’t make sense. If I could just be funnier, more spontaneous, more whatever-it-is-you-need, maybe you wouldn’t need to look elsewhere. Maybe you’d choose me, every day, the way I choose you.

In my darkest hours this week, logic disappeared completely. All I could think was that I must have failed you so completely that you had to find connection somewhere else. Am I not capable of being what you need? Have I never been enough? These questions haunt me at 3 AM when I pretend to be asleep beside you.

Through all of this mess of feelings, one thing hasn’t changed, not even for a second. I love you. Not the perfect version of you I’ve created in my mind, but the real you. The one who leaves coffee mugs and clothes everywhere and can’t remember appointments.

I can’t act like Monday never happened. The trust between us has cracks now that weren’t there before. But when I look at you, even through the hurt, I see the person I want to build a life with. The one I want to figure this out with.

I’m still raw. Still processing. Still trying to find solid ground. Healing from this won’t be quick or simple. But I’m in this, fully, completely in this, if you are too.

What I need from you isn’t perfection. I need honesty that hurts more than comfortable. I need your presence, even when it’s hard to give. I need to know you’re fighting for us as hard as I am.

We can get through this. Not by pretending it away, but by facing it together, by being painfully transparent with each other. I’m choosing us, the messy, imperfect, beautiful us. I’m choosing the future we’ve dreamed about, even if the path there looks different now.

I love you. Not despite the cracks, but with them.

Today was a very difficult day for me. After everything that happened during the trip to Bandera, and the way AJ had been acting, I finally felt like I had to look at the messages that had been sent to my phone.

When I read them, my world came crashing down again. Over the past three years that AJ and I had been in a relationship, she and KH had been having an emotional affair. There were many messages between them talking about how they had feelings for each other but that the distance between them was the issue. There were even photos of them kissing, although those were taken before I was ever in the picture.

Still, reading the messages was devastating. AJ had written several times that she would have waited for him, that they were worth waiting for, and that while she was building a life with me, she was secretly in love with him.

I called her and told her that I had read the messages. I told her how badly it hurt and that it felt like she had ripped my heart apart. We had been planning a life together, and suddenly it felt like the last few years had been built on a lie.

A few hours later, I sent her a message asking if I could come by her house during lunch so we could talk in person. She agreed. When I got there, we talked about everything. She told me that she would give up KH if it meant losing me. I knew that KH had helped her through some very difficult times after she lost her husband, so I was hesitant to completely demand that she cut him out of her life. I told her they could remain friends, but only if the sexting stopped and if they only spoke on the phone when I was around.

While we were talking, KH called her. I could not handle it in that moment. I got up, walked out, and drove back home.

Later in the afternoon, close to the end of the workday, she sent me a text asking if she could come over to talk. I agreed. We talked more about the messages and how deeply it hurt me to read them. She said that a lot of what they said to each other was just joking and talking trash back and forth, and that they did not really have feelings for each other.

I did not believe that. I still think they have real feelings for each other.

Even with all of that, we decided to stay together and try to work through it.

We headed to Bandera to visit AJ’s family ranch with BA, LA, and all of the kids. We rented an Airbnb with a pool so the kids would have something fun to do while we were there.

That evening at the Airbnb, the four of us spent some time talking about the strange situation with the Facebook messages and trying to figure out what was going on. None of it seemed to make much sense, especially since the screenshots that had been sent were so innocent.

The next morning, we headed out to the ranch. While we were driving, my phone suddenly started blowing up with a flood of new screenshots. Since I was behind the wheel, I handed my phone to AJ and asked her to see what was being sent. She read a few of them to me, but not all of them. I could see confusion on her face as she scrolled through them. Her mom and a few of the kids were riding in the car with us, so we did not talk much about it other than saying how innocent the messages seemed.

When we arrived at the ranch, everyone settled in and we had a good time. We went on a few hikes up the hill and spent some time exploring the property. We even tried to get into the cabin on the ranch, but AJ’s mom had forgotten the keys and we did not want to break in.

Later, back at the Airbnb, I was sitting by the pool when AJ came out to join me. I could tell something was on her mind because she was acting differently than usual. I suspected it had something to do with the screenshots that had been sent to my phone, but I resisted the urge to go through them myself.

For the rest of the trip, it felt like something was weighing on her mind.

Today was a very strange day. Someone had compromised AJ’s Facebook account and sent her screenshots of messages between her and KH. KH is a really good friend of hers who lives up in South Dakota.

The screenshot itself was very innocent, which only made the whole situation even more confusing. It was unclear why someone would go through the trouble of accessing her account just to send something that did not seem suspicious or harmful at all.

AJ was let go from her job and was in a very difficult place emotionally. She had only started the job a few months earlier and was just beginning to settle in when everything suddenly changed. Since I had a lot of PTO that I needed to use, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to take her on a trip and help get her mind off losing the job.

I had just picked up a brand new Toyota 4Runner, and it felt like the right time to put some miles on it. We were able to find someone to watch AE, which honestly surprised me because he can be very difficult and most people hesitate to take him.

We decided to head up to Colorado with the goal of visiting a few National Parks along the way. One of the places we made it to was Great Sand Dunes National Park and Preserve. It was definitely a unique experience. Unfortunately, it was so cold that we could not fully enjoy being out on the dunes the way we had hoped.

On the drive back, we ran into a snowstorm somewhere in New Mexico. What normally would have been about an hour and a half drive ended up taking more than eight hours. The roads were slow and difficult, but we were very thankful that the 4Runner had four wheel drive. It made a big difference in getting us safely through the storm and back home.

AJ and I took yet another trip to Fredericksburg, but this time BA and LA joined us. It is not often that the four of us can get away together without anyone bringing their kids, so it made the trip feel even more special.

It turned out to be a fun and relaxing weekend. One of the highlights was when I snapped a picture of AJ sitting in a pink fluffy chair while the club was blasting Pink Pony Club. Going to a club in Fredericksburg is definitely not typical for us. Honestly, going to a club at all is not something we usually do. But AJ and LA wanted to go, so we went along with it.

It ended up being a night to remember and a really great weekend together.

AJ and I took a trip out to Big Bend National Park. Even though AJ has lived in Texas her entire life, she had never been there before. Since we have a goal of visiting all the National Parks within the next ten years, and the opportunity to go came up, we decided to take the trip.

The trip started with a small complication. AJ accidentally left her driver’s license at home. Just in case she needed some form of identification, we had AS send us a photo of it so we would at least have something available.

Even though I had been to Big Bend before, it was still a great experience. The last time I visited, I was by myself, so it felt completely different sharing the trip with AJ. We also discovered a few places that I had not seen during my previous visit, which made the trip even more memorable. Big Bend is one of those places that always leaves you wanting to come back and explore more.

AJ has talked about taking AE there someday, but given our past experiences traveling with him, I am still hesitant about that idea.

AJ, AE, and I took a trip with BA and LA to visit their family in Arizona. Before we left, AJ and LA reassured me that it wouldn’t be an expensive trip. As it turned out, that wasn’t exactly the case. While the budget airline tickets were cheap, the added costs for luggage, hotels, food, and activities quickly piled up and blew through the budget, and then some, just trying to have a decent time.

AE was especially difficult during most of the trip. From the very first day, his behavior made things challenging, and it quickly became overwhelming. Anyone who knows him knows that traveling isn’t exactly his strong suit. Still, somehow I keep getting talked into taking trips with him.

BA and LA were kind enough to take AE for a day so AJ and I could have a little break. They knew I was already feeling worn down and honestly ready to go home after that first day. That one day was the only part of the trip that felt somewhat relaxing.

By the end of it all, I couldn’t wait to leave Arizona and get back home to Texas, where I could finally unwind and catch my breath.

AJ and I took a quick trip to Fredericksburg. While we were there, I asked AJ to marry me, and she said yes.

I didn’t have a ring with me or anything planned out in advance, and honestly, that was okay. It wasn’t about the details or the timing. In that moment, it just felt right.

AJ and I kicked off our 2024 “No Destination Vacation” by heading out to Carlsbad Caverns National Park. The caverns were impressive, but in many ways they felt similar to other caverns we’ve visited before. The first thing you notice when walking in is the strong smell from the bats, it’s powerful enough to make you gag at first. The tour is self-guided, which makes you wonder how many interesting details you might be missing along the way without a guide pointing things out.

From there, we continued into New Mexico, making a few stops at wineries along the way. That evening we stayed in Cloudcroft, a quiet mountain town that made for a great overnight stop before continuing west.

Our next major destination was Page, AZ, and this area completely blew us away. The scenery there is absolutely stunning. We visited Horseshoe Bend and even took a helicopter ride out to a nearby mesa. The views from the air were breathtaking and gave us a whole new perspective of the desert landscape. While in the area, we also visited Antelope Canyon, which is truly a must, see if you’re ever in that part of Arizona.

From Page, we drove on to Zion National Park, where we spent most of our time staying just outside the park. One day we made a trip over to Bryce Canyon National Park, but the place we really fell in love with was Springdale. The town has an incredible atmosphere and beautiful views everywhere you look.

When it was finally time to start heading home, we made one last stop at the Four Corners Monument, the unique spot where Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and New Mexico all meet.